Query Dilemmas

I currently have two competing hooks for my query letters. They are structured very differently, as you will soon see, and I am in self-debate about which to choose.

• When an elite Old Fleet frigate picks him up off the Meteor, Yarn, a miner conscripted into military service, is glad to be rid of the cramped destroyer-escort, its draconian commander, and the Admiralty's unjust war against the Commonwealth of Earth and Mars. But it isn't long before Yarn realizes he is outclassed by the legendary crack spacers who ply the immortal Old Fleet relics of Earth's last golden age. He must gain the respect of his crewmates, if only to remind those reclusive heroes of their abandoned peacekeeping duty, before escalating hostilities between Jupiter and the Commonwealth destroy his home.

• Old Fleet was ever the ally of Jupiter's Jovian Union. Its ancient ships, the immortal relics of Earth's last golden age, safeguarded the Union for decades. But Old Fleet disappeared into legend, and now a new adversary threatens the Union's very existence from within: the Admiralty. Autocratic and warmongering, it has turned its bitter gaze to the rich Inner Commonwealth of Earth and Mars. Yarn, an employee of the Union's mining company, is no stranger to the monotony of the void. But, during a routine expedition to the asteroid belt, he intercepts a mysterious, encrypted transmission. Its contents plunge him into an adventure spanning the solar system – from under the thumb of the draconian Admiralty to the shining decks of Old Fleet itself, where he must remind those recluse heroes of their abandoned duty before war tears the Union apart.

Decision decisions. Focus on early or later turning points in the plot? Champion brevity or explanation?